silver linings

"If we only do what we're familiar with, we might miss what we're made for." -Unknown

Two days post-breakup, after the initial anger, confusion, loneliness, and deep, stabbing sadness had passed, I prayed. It was short and simple, and to the point.

"Lord, please help me to find myself in losing him."

And to my surprise, I think God got the message, because the next day, my "I'm going to stay in bed and season-slam Friends on Netflix and cry" mourning period ended (without my permission, I might add), and life suddenly lurched into motion. I snapped out of my cloud of misery and decided that I had to DO something. An hour later, I found myself registering for not one, not two, but five college tours; all to take place between June 22nd and 26th. Five days, five schools. (Then my ACT study guide book came in the mail. If that isn't a "DO SOMETHING" message from the universe, I don't know what is.) And then, over the next couple of days, my inbox was flooded with emails from various colleges and universities, encouraging me to register for campus visits and contact admissions offices. It was like that darned universe was giving me a hard push from behind and whispering, "Go, be free. Explore. Look into the future. This is your time." 

And the universe is right. This is my time. I'm not going to say that being in a relationship held me back and hindered my personal growth, because I truly learned a lot about myself and the world from being in that relationship, and I accomplished a lot of things during that time that will honestly benefit me greatly in the future. But now that I'm not worrying about getting into the school that he got into for college, and following him across the country when he moves to pursue his Masters degree so we can stay together, so many more doors are being opened to me, and I have so many more options. My future is entirely customizable now, and I can make it whatever I want it to be to fit me and my dreams.

A wise someone once said, "If we only do what we're familiar with, we might miss what we're made for." I believe that this is an entirely true, totally wise statement. Maybe that breakup was supposed to happen. I'm not a huge believer in "fate," but maybe that day was a fork in the road, and if I had fought harder and stayed in the relationship, I would have been turning off onto the wrong side of the "fork." Because now I'm on my own, which, if I am completely honest - and this might sound really bad - is a concept that I'm unfamiliar with. If I think back, I realize that I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy since fifth grade (yikes). That's a little over 5 years of my life where I haven't been able to fully explore myself and my own calling because my relationships took priority (double yikes). But now I'm my own priority. I'm doing something that scares me a little. I'm asking myself the tough questions. "What do you like?" "Who do you want to be?" "Who/what do you want others to see you as?" "What do you want to do?" "What is most important to you?" And maybe, just maybe, in the process of attending to myself first and answering those questions, I'll find what I'm made for, as that aforementioned wise someone suggested. 

Life has been reminding me lately that it is completely up to us what we see, make, and take out of it. I need to remember to always choose joy and to look for the beauty and the good, even on the darkest of days. And I need to remember that even in the smallest ways, I can bring joy and happiness and light to other people. Let us never forget how contagious kindness is. Let us never forget to be ourselves, and to explore while we have the chance. Let us never forget to live this life to the fullest and make it our own, because it's the only one we've got.

Live well, Fighters.

h