I have issues with a lot of things right now, actually, but my age has been bothering me a considerable amount lately.
I've been in a relationship with a boy two years older than me for a year and a half now. Last night, he ended that relationship because this coming fall, he will be making the transition to college, and he decided at an orientation this past week that it wouldn't work for him to be in a relationship during this important stage of his life. Which is okay I guess, because he needs the space and freedom to figure things out for himself. We all have the right to our own freedom. His freedom's timing was just a little inconvenient for me.
And that's where my issue with my age comes in.
See, in my mind, if I were two years older - eighteen, like my now ex-boyfriend, maybe he wouldn't be my ex at all. Because if I were two years older, I would be at the same stage of life as my ex. I would be making the transition to college. Maybe the same college he's transitioning to, even. Maybe if I were two years older than I am now, we would be able to grow together and do this thing - together. I would be where he is right now. I would still be with him if I was two years older.
So, breakups suck ass. And now I'm stuck in this little cloud of sadness and loneliness and fear. Because I'm realizing now that since I was twelve, I have either been with a boy or breaking up with a boy or, now, being broken up with by a boy. And now that I'm alone, I have a lot of feelings and emotions and thoughts to untangle that are currently balled up inside of me. Like hate and resentment, for example.
I'm trying really hard right now to not become the bitchy, resentful, hateful ex-girlfriend. It's been difficult. But in all honesty, I'm not resentful and I'm not mad and I've decided that I will only hate him for a day. I'm allowing myself to hate him for one day. Just today. Just to get it out of my system. I'm going to let myself feel all the bad things for one day. Because I need to. It may seem immature to some, but I need to be unapologetically emotional and angry for one day. Then tonight, when the day is coming to an end, I will pray -- hard -- and tomorrow I'll forgive him and it will be okay. We'll carry on.
I recently finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. My favorite book to date. I will read it again after I finish Glennon Melton's Carry On, Warrior (the inspiration for this post's title). Eat, Pray, Love was kind of a slap in the face for me, honestly. It made me realize how beautifully brutal life is - but that I have the power within me to take a little bit of that brutal bit away. Except, I'm not old enough to do it in the way that I'd like. In Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert travels to Italy, India, and Indonesia to find herself and to strengthen her relationship with God - and her relationship with herself. And I would LOVE to do that. I mean, really LOVE. I'd love to just pick up and take a year for myself and get better and stronger and more whole. But I can't, because I'm sixteen. I'm not old enough to rent a car in Europe. I'm not old enough to get my nose pierced in America, for goodness sake. Traveling to India to meditate and pray and chant and sing is just not an option for me right now. Which feels very restricting and brings up some more of that aforementioned resentment. Yeah, in this sucky breakup, THAT'S where my resentment lies. Ha.
But as much as I don't want to be sixteen anymore, I do. I don't want to wish away my days or my weeks or my months or my years. I'm not going to. Because right now, I can be crazy and no one can tell me I can't be. Because that's what we're supposed to do right now. We're supposed to go to backyard bonfires and Friday night football games and we're supposed to lose our voices at concerts and we're supposed to wake up the morning after a party feeling completely exhausted and insane and confused but completely happy and completely okay with where we are in life. We're supposed to make mistakes, and we're supposed to learn. And not just in the school way. Because not even the best school in the universe can teach us some of the most important lessons we need to be learning right now.
As much as I want to be old enough to be able to rent a car in Europe, I'm not going to wish away my days. No matter how badly they suck.
We're still going to be friends. He swears to me that I saved his life, and he doesn't want to lose me completely. And frankly, I don't want to lose him completely, either, because he's a good person and I don't want to lose a friend like him if I can help it.
Today the sky is blue, so I painted my toes emerald green and donned the daintiest little gold toe ring. So even though today sucks, when I hang my head I will smile instead of cry because my feet are pretty and the sky is blue, and despite my age, I know that I will be okay. It is going to be okay. I will carry on, because I am a warrior princess.
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