here's what i think about life (this is a mess)

I think it's messy. It's messy and crowded and riddled with mistakes and slip-ups and I'm sorrys and I love yous - two phrases that are said too often, and not often enough.

I think it's hard. It's hard to focus on your goal when you're constantly being told to have more than one because the original might not work out. You should have a back up plan. Insurance. And that's probably smart. I think it's a lot of pressure to be smart all the time.

I think it's equal parts brutal and beautiful (take it away, Glennon). It's equal parts suck and luck. It's not a fairytale, but it's not exactly a shitshow either (ever the optimist, I am). There's an old Yiddish proverb that says, "Man plans, God laughs." Ain't that the darn truth. We don't exactly get to choose how our life goes, but we do get to determine how we live in the life we're given. How we react to those mistakes and slip-ups, and also how (and how often) we dance and rejoice.

I'm not looking for my life to make sense (even though a teeny bit of clarity would be nice right about now). I think the day my life starts making sense will be the day that it's over, because it will have lost it's purpose. I think the purpose of life is to figure out the purpose of your individual life, all on your own. That's what keeps me going. I haven't figured anything out yet. I'm in pursuit of truth.

I think life is the craziest thing. Uncontrollable, unconfined, and yet totally, completely awesome. I don't know about you, but I haven't been having the easiest time lately. Everything seems to be going wrong. Anxiety permeates productivity and crushes creativity. I'm feeling vastly uninspired. I'm not me. And yet tonight, I told myself "The only way out is through," and opened up a fresh new page to blog for the first time since July. It's crude, it's unorganized, it's a little crinkly around the edges. But it's here. And so am I. I decided to show up. And I'll keep showing up until it becomes less of a chore to do so.

I love this life, crinkles and all. And my hope is that, even though the crinkles seem more like mountains at this moment in time, I'll be able to view them as opportunities to gain strength and truth, rather than obstacles that stand in my way.

Long exhale.

The only way out is through. So,
onward.