seeing stars (something of a cliche)

On the drive home from Red Wing, Minnesota last week, I saw stars (the sky kind) for the first time in a very long time. Living in the city provides little opportunity to stargaze, due to the amount of light pollution put off by my beloved city. So for a solid half hour of that drive, I was mesmerized. The lack of street lights on the rural "country" road allowed me to see large patches of stars at a time as we drove. As I stared out the car window in wonder, I realized that if I looked directly at a larger, brighter star, I was able to see it, as well as several other smaller, less brighter stars around it. But when I shifted my gaze to look at the smaller stars, they disappeared. (I could conduct some quick research and insert a whole paragraph about why this optical phenomenon occurs, but that's not entirely necessary for the point I'm trying to make.)

So here's the point (just gonna hit you with it within the first two paragraphs of the post. We're not wasting time here).

This world is so, so very big. And (in comparison) I am so, so very small. And as I've done quite a bit of soul-searching in recent months, I've been able to come to the blunt conclusion that I have no idea what I'm doing. 

And then I've come to the conclusion that that's okay.

Which, initially, made me feel aimless and lazy. I'm a go-getter, and a firstborn girl, and I'm stereotypically (based off of the first born girl thing), supposed to have it figured out. But then I remembered that I'm sixteen, and I'm not supposed to know exactly what I'm doing. These days, I'm realizing more and more that the future I've been dreaming and planning since the days of dress-up and glitter lip gloss may not end up being the future I actually live. At first, this realization frustrated me. But as I've done my soul-searching and reflecting and processing, rather than feeling lost and aimless, I've started to feel liberated. 

Like the stars; the biggest, brightest, shiniest things that I had been focusing on so hard for so long were distracting me from the small hidden passions that I've discovered in recent months and hope to someday turn into a career. Because when you find something that makes your heart swell and sets your soul on fire as these things do mine, you know you've found what you're meant to be. And realizing that calling is pure bliss. It may take me a bit longer to focus in on those blissful little realizations of self and hone them into viable skills that I can put to work, but that doesn't mean that they don't already shine, too. 

“Who was he? What was the good of asking? There was no answer… Still, he was someone. He was somewhere. Not in his legs, not in his arms, not in his body - wait! He walked slower. He was in his body. It was like a revelation. He was in his body - and bigger than his body too: he stretched as far as the horizon, to the blue of the sky. He was trapped within a body but at the same time he was free. Lukas van Rooyen and the seaman were dead, but he was alive and he could be whoever he wanted to be. From deep inside him surged a feeling of power that frightened him.” 

-Fiela's Child by Dalene Matthee

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