recovery // hannah raye, #MeToo

TW: abuse

This post was first published to hannah raye, on December 31, 2015. It was removed less than a week later after it was met with shaming comments and threats.

However, I believe that it is more important now than ever before to vocalize truth, even when that truth is rough around the edges and an ugly gray color and might give you tetanus if you handle it poorly. It is crucial to bear witness to pain in order for healing to happen. In a world that wants me to whisper, I'm choosing to yell. My silence serves no one, myself least of all. I'm choosing bravery. I'm choosing truth. Because #MeToo.

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This post contains remarks on my personal experience with relationship abuse, and how the effects still linger today. As I have been encouraged to share my story, I have also been made aware of the fact that many will attempt to discredit the reality of "emotional abuse." In many people's minds, abuse can only happen in physical forms. But while physical abuse is a horror all of it's own, emotional abuse is a sickening reality as well. (Read more here, or here, or here.)

I am writing to be honest and open in the hopes that others who may be in a situation similar to mine can know that there is light at the end of the tunnel - as cheesy as that sounds. It gets better. It takes time, but you will mend. And when you reach the end, you will be stronger and brighter and more beautiful than ever before. 

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If you have been following my blog for a while, you will recall that I went through a pretty serious breakup a while ago. At that time, I wrote about the heartbreak of it all, and how my new quest was to "find myself in losing him" (see: Silver Linings). Over three years later, I'm proud to report that I've made great, leaping strides towards that goal. I've discovered new passions, and dusted off and begun to nurture and grow old ones. I've done some serious soul-searching and started to understand what makes me ME. I'm figuring myself out - as a single individual. I learned the hard way that it's difficult to figure yourself out when half of you is actually another person. And it's even harder when you're only sixteen. (Ideas already brewing for a future post: "SHOCKING Discovery: Mom Was RIGHT When She Told You Not to Date in High School," or something along those lines.)

But shortly after that breakup, I realized that there was still something wrong. 

About six months after the relationship had ended, when I decided that I was in a happy, warm, safe enough "heart/mind/soul place" that I could start to dip my toe back into the dating waters again, I met a guy. A really Great Guy. And you could say we were "a couple" for about three weeks. And then I broke it off. 

Something hadn't felt right with me about the whole situation. It was nothing that he had done. Absolutely nothing. And it took me another month to realize exactly what had been wrong. I realized that it was how my brain had been re-wired by my last relationship to expect control and dominance from the guy I was in a relationship with. So when this Great Guy stepped into my life and was kind and considerate and actually asked my thoughts and opinions, it felt unusual because it was different (it was the way it's actually supposed to be). But because I'd spent almost two years being submissive and in denial about the emotional abuse that was happening in my old relationship, this new relationship felt unbalanced. Because my "normal balance" had been him tipping the scale in his direction, and me having to readjust my footing in order to operate under that tension. Now, I'm not saying that the whole relationship was tension. There were many, many parts of it that made me feel more alive than I'd ever been before. But getting out of it was the only way I think I ever would have realized how toxic it was 65% of the time. (And 65% is a lot more than you realize.)

Being Hurt

There's a significant piece of your independence and self-confidence to be regained when your boyfriend of almost two years spent a lot of those two years being controlling and manipulative; but in the smallest of ways, so you wouldn't realize until it was too late to reverse the damage. For example, there were many times when he would request that I wouldn't talk to a certain person, because he had had an issue getting along with them in the past. Even if I had been their friend before our relationship, I couldn't be anymore because he was unable to connect with them. Or he would tell me not to wear a certain item of clothing, or not to style my hair a certain way because it was "ugly," or "not the real you." He didn't realize that there's a line between looking out for your girlfriend's best interests by recommending that she not wear such low-cut shirts because her boobs are falling out all the time (not a problem I had - just an example) and telling her that she looks ugly in a sweater that she might actually adore. When getting ready for school every morning, I actually found myself asking the mirror, "Would he approve of this outfit?" before walking out the door because I had subconsciously learned that if he didn't approve of that outfit, a shadow would be cast over my entire day because I would constantly feel like he was judging me for my fashion choices... And I certainly didn't want that. (As I type this, I realize how entirely messed up this all sounds, and I feel a little sick.)

The recovery process from the trauma that this emotional abuse had on my independence and self-confidence has been a long and arduous one.

I am now realizing that as awesome and exciting and joyful as my path to self-discovery has been thus far, I am now needing to embark on a different quest, and learn more. Now that I've made some headway on discovering who I am as a person, I must begin to discover what it really means to be with another person, while still maintaining who I am as an individual. It was difficult for me to be in that three-week relationship because I was expecting it to be the same as my previous relationship - an unrealistic expectation of me because no two relationships - no two guys (or girls, or anyone for that matter) - are the same. I have to start re-wiring my brain to expect better. I have to set the bar higher, because I deserve better. And I have to keep telling myself that, so that "the way it's actually supposed to be" is just "the way it is," and so that way feels normal and good and right.

Getting to Know [and Love] ME

The It's What's Underneath Project/video series was started in the spring of 2015 by three New York women; Elisa, Lily, & Mona. Their mission was to communicate the message that style is not defined by clothing. Their video series (found on their YouTube channel "StyleLikeU") features men and women from all different walks of life who have willingly volunteered to share their stories and in doing so, reveal their true personalities and spirits.

When I stumbled across this project, I instantly fell in love with it because it represents so many strong people who have overcome obstacles in order to discover themselves. Every video is so radically honest in its own way. In their own words, "the What’s Underneath Project celebrates our belief that style is fearless spirit, not mere clothes. [Style] is knowing who you are. It is comfort in your skin. It is your spirit. It's what's underneath."

I chose the video linked below to make this post because of Biet's response to the last two questions. To the second-to-last question, "When do you feel the most beautiful?" she responds, "I feel really beautiful when I can see myself. It was only once I got outside myself and saw what I looked like, I was like, 'Wow, that's a beautiful human.' And I started to love her."

Immediately after hearing her answer to that question, I felt a connection to this beautiful woman and her outlook on, well, herself. It was only after my relationship ended that I was able to truly take a step back - step outside of myself - and see myself for who I was in that moment. Scared, vulnerable, and alone. Obviously, I didn't see that side of myself as beautiful. So it was then that I decided to take action to get myself to where I needed to be in order to live a full and happy life. Almost four years later, after plenty of long nights drawing and writing and painting and reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love (twice), I am finally able to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, that's a beautiful human." And now I'm getting to know this beautiful human more and more each day, and I'm learning to love her. 

The last question asked in every video of the series is, "Why is your body a good place to be?" And Biet's response struck me dumb. She says,

"...we are all just light. So that would say that everything that is matter is not us. So my body is the thing that allows me to remember what light is, because if it wasn't for this body, everything would be light. And I wouldn't know what I was. So I feel like this body is what I'm not. And by remembering what I'm not, I get to remember what I am." -Biet Simkin

(Click here to watch Biet's video. Caution: NSFW, mild swearing. TW: addiction, drug abuse.)

Coming out of the darkness of those last couple of months of that relationship, I didn't know quite who I was. But then after all that soul-searching and reflection and meditation happened and I had a better, clearer picture of me (one that I finally liked on my own; without needing validation from anyone else), I was actually able to look back on the small, submissive, feeble-voiced me that stuck it out through the worst places of that relationship, and then compare that version of me to the one that stands in front of me today when I look in the mirror. And in remembering that scared, small, quiet place - what I'm not anymore - I get to remember with great pride and joy the sadness and self-doubt I have overcome, and the shining light that I have become today. (And then I get to realize that I will continue to shine brighter and brighter as life goes on, and I will grow and I will learn more about myself and other people, and I get so damn excited!!!)

I encourage you to read and watch more stories at StyleLikeU. In hearing others' radical honesty and witnessing the beauty and strength that comes from that vulnerable place, maybe you'll discover a little more about yourself, too. Just like I did. Just like I am now constantly doing. 

So Damn Excited

So there's that. I'm excited. Excited to live. Excited to learn to love - and to receive love - the "right" way. I don't know exactly what the future has in store for me, but I am strong, beautiful, brave, and bright, and I'm so ready to leave the heartbreak behind in order to make room for the new adventures I will have, with my "adventure bag" packed with all the lessons I have learned and all the wisdom I have gained to guide me.

Remember to be kind, and remember to love. Make the best of every moment, because those little buggers are fleeting.

h,

recovery // james arthur

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Photos: Chicago, IL

March 14, 2018

Story Corps Chicago

Chicago Cultural Center