less // life update

I've been posting a lot of poetry lately because it's easy. Poetry is quick, noncommittal, and it's acceptable to be vague and leave the reader with questions. Longer essays and prose require me to be introspective, reflective and have great attention to detail; none of which I've had much time for in the last three weeks. And now that interim has ended and I do have time for those things, I find myself at a loss for words. Writing suddenly isn't as easy as it's been in the past. That happens sometimes, and I'm learning to roll with it when it does. 

December ended in a crumpled, tired, teary heap. I was at my absolute lowest point (as was most of the world, I believe). When the calendar changed to 2017, I didn't expect anything drastic to happen. I didn't foresee any dramatic changes. I wouldn't have even considered myself hopeful at that point. I'd done a lot of pleading that month; prayers whispered from the bathroom floor, from the depths of my marshmallow bed at 2am, even from the back corners of bright, crowded classrooms. I was tired, and it felt as if I was out of options.

Tip: you're never out of options.

I started medication* on January 3, and my life was instantly changed. Before going on medication, I was in such a dark place. I really didn't have much hope for my future because I was unable to see through my depression and anxiety to realize that I had any kind of future at all. But once I started medication, I had hope for the first time in a long time. After just three days with my new friend, I felt more like myself than I had in months. I felt like I could start planning for my future, as opposed to only dreaming about it. Once I started to have a more positive outlook on my life, I wanted to figure out a way to maintain that "good-place" feeling. 

So I started to think about why I'm anxious. I'm working with my therapist to get to the root of my anxiety, but I'm also doing a significant amount of work on my own to uncover what I feel makes me anxious. One of the things that I've found is stuff. I've realized that the sheer excess of stuff that I own is one of the things that makes me anxious and brings stress into my life. When I was little, I used to worry about fires. I was afraid that my house would burn to the ground and I'd lose all my possessions, and as a child, this thought made me extremely anxious. The thought still does make me anxious because I still do have worldly possessions, but I've decided that maybe if I have fewer things, I won't be as anxious and that fear won't be so great anymore. It'll be one less thing that I feel I have to worry about. Back in December, I watched the documentary by The Minimalists (10/10, would recommend). This film paired with starting medication caused my life to do a complete 180. Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus talked about how their lives became more meaningful when they downsized their belongings. Joshua specifically touched on how after his mother died and his marriage ended (in the same month), minimalism "was a beacon in the darkest of nights." Seeing how Joshua and Ryan's lives - and the lives of the many people they interviewed throughout the course of the documentary - were so drastically changed and improved by this concept peaked my interest and made me begin to question whether this lifestyle could be an option for me. It didn't take long for me to decide that, yes, it was an option, and yes, it was the right one. So, I decided that I was going to go through all my things, get rid of a ton of stuff, and become a minimalist. 

I think there are a lot of different definitions of minimalism for a lot of different people, depending on how you choose live into your minimalism. For some, minimalism is having less stuff. For some, it's spending less money. For some, minimalism is a concept that doesn't involve getting rid of anything, but rather, consciously choosing to care less about things and being able to separate yourself from your worldly possessions. Refusing to let them control you or the way you experience life. But a big way to not let worldly possessions control you is to take them out of the equation entirely; at least, that was the solution for me. 

So I started to go through everything. Shoes, clothes, books, makeup, pens, old notebooks, nail polish, knick knacks, jewelry... I had so much jewelry. A whole "earring tree" full of earrings. I now have five pairs. I made almost weekly trips to our local donation center to drop off huge brown paper bags full of stuff, which, initially, I felt a little guilty about. Some of those items were sentimental. But I really had to go through and decide which items were going to help me get closer to the life I wanted to live; what was going to help me move towards the person I want to become in the future. Over the last month (in between writing theology papers and researching the English reformation), I've downsized my possessions by at least 65%. I've donated, given away, and sold SO much stuff.

And it's helped. The physical action of going to the donation center and leaving five bags of things behind feels really, really good and is incredibly freeing. It's started to help with my anxiety almost immediately. Obviously it wasn't the only fix and the medication has continued to help a lot too, but having less stuff to worry about and fewer possessions to keep track of has made me feel lighter. I've found that the act of physically removing objects from my space relieves stress and tension. Having fewer objects also helps me to clear my head in order to free up more brain space for the growing and healing I still need to do in the emotional health department. Also, having a cleaner, more open space helps me to focus when I'm trying to write because there are fewer things to distract me. I'm able to blog and write more freely. I get more stuff done(!!!).

I also think that the people I'm spending time with at university have helped to shape this way of thinking. A lot of the people I'm meeting - students and professors alike - are so intentional and introspective, and they encourage and remind me to be more intentional, too. Reading the works of great writers, philosophers, and theologians such as Plato, Aristotle, Machiavelli, and Saint Augustine in my first semester of college has also really influenced me and showed me that the best things in life aren't things, they're ideas. But in order to have more ideas, you need to have fewer things to distract you from creating them. And that's the main concept that's guiding my journey to a true minimalist lifestyle. I want to be able to have good ideas, and I want to be able to share those ideas with others so that they can live this kind of life, too. This being said, I've deactivated my Twitter and Snapchat accounts. I found myself spending way too much time mindlessly scrolling through feeds and stories, wasting time that could be spend creating and brainstorming. I'm keeping Facebook for networking reasons, and Instagram for inspiration, but I'm being incredibly intentional about who I follow on both platforms, and which posts I choose to interact with. 

I'm going to work on making more intentional purchases as opposed to impulsive buys. I'm going to try to buy more quality, less quantity. My goal is to have one of a lot of things, like one pair of sunglasses, one water bottle, one main journal, one pair of scissors, one purse. I'm expecting it to be difficult. For example, I'm going to have to limit myself so much in the jewelry and accessory department. But I'm going to work to be more intentional about what I'm buying, and buy with a purpose in mind. I'm still going to want things, of course, but I'm going to try to make more need-based buys. I think that will help me to live an overall intentional life, which has been a goal of mine for over two years now. To cultivate a lifestyle of intentionality and free-flowing creativity. I think minimalism will help me to achieve that.

I'm very hopeful and encouraged by where I am right now. I'm going to keep working to be the best, most intentional, authentic version of me that I can be so that I can write, work, live, and learn better, and be more open to life-changing experiences like the ones I've already had in the several months I've been at university. I'm really excited to see what kind of life I live in the future, because the preparation I'm doing to pave the way to that future is already looking really, really good.

h

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*Please see a doctor before starting any new medication or treatment. Just because medication works for me doesn't mean its right for you. Everyone is different, as is every medication/treatment, and you have to find the one that fits you and your situation. And trust me, one will fit. You just have to have the patience and dedication to find it. Always choose hope. This too shall pass. xx