e/and

I think we can all agree that 2016 sucked ass. I'm not going to spend time rehashing what happened, because you were there. You know. There was a lot of breaking, and a lot of mending. A lot of mending that stuck, and some that didn't. There was a lot said, and a whole lot more left unsaid. Nothing feels quite finished.

On a personal level, I experienced a lot this year, too. Some of the most notable events of my 2016 include an amazing, fun-filled relationship, applying to college, turning seventeen, getting into college, traveling to Europe, finding my Place, starting college, and getting published (!!!). Battling through two of the hardest months of my mental illness. Messing up. Succeeding. Falling, rising, growing, and reconnecting. Getting my nose pierced. Saying hello after two and a half years of saying nothing at all. Saying goodbye. Learning. Learning so. much.

I think if I had to choose one lesson from 2016 to carry into the coming year, it would be the lesson of unlearning total self provision. I've always been an extremely independent person, but in 2016, I had to learn how to ask for help. On the days when I was (literally) too weak to get out of bed, I had to be okay with depending on other people to bring me food, medication, and humidifier refills. I had to learn how to open up to people, and be comfortable in the vulnerable places. The more I practiced vulnerability, the brighter those previously dark-and-scary spaces became. More often than not, when I was able to open up to someone, my tired truth was received with a welcoming "me too!" That "me too" became the opening line of so many new friendships built on hope, trust, and authenticity. Because of my ability to be vulnerable and honest about my struggles, I became a better friend. My empathy grew, as did my support system. My people are the best people in the world; the most glow-y individuals who know my heart, who don't shy away from the truth of pain, and who are prepared to love me unconditionally, even on my worst days.

The second biggest lesson I learned in 2016 was the power of my own will to succeed. This year, I was forced to find ways to survive. Starting college in the fall and operating off of a more "adult" schedule pushed me to my limits. My new life showed me how, some days, you really just have to suck it all in and face the world head on, despite your overwhelming fear. And on days when you really, truly can't, there will always be people to give you grace and the space to heal. I am forever thankful for those people. ((You know who you are.)) But on the days when I had to push through, the level of my success was determined by how much I wanted to succeed. Many days ended up being 24-hour mind-over-matter marathons, which sucked in the moment, but when I came out victorious, only made me want to do better next time. And so I did.

I currently have the thickest skin I've ever had. In the process of pushing through a short season of criticism and judgement in the latter part the year, I learned to rely more on myself as a source of joy, rather than other people. I learned - in some of the hardest ways - that there will always be people who tell you you don't belong, or that you're not strong enough. This year, I learned to speak for myself and say, "Yes I do, and yes I am." Or, when I recognized that the place I was in could no longer serve as a place that would grow me, I was able to step away and set out in search of a Place of my own. 

I'm ending 2016 on an "and." This isn't an automatic reset (as dreamy as that would be). The date may change, but the story continues. And so does the pain, for many. But so does the healing, and so does the hope.

2017 is an invitation to step into newness, carrying the experiences of the past. We have been hardened, friends. We have been challenged and stretched and bent in ways we never knew we could. And we are sore, and we are different. But we have those past experiences to remind us of how we persevered, and of how we will do the same in the future. It is with this hope and courage that we gladly accept the invitation to step forward into something new, where we trust that we will be challenged and stretched and bent all over again. Our bodies - battered, war-torn vessels built to carry us through this life - house a cocktail of hardship and hope. We drink from that cocktail to acknowledge that living is difficult, but the notion of being alive gives us the strength and courage we need to face those difficulties head on. And what an awesome truth that is.

We went through a lot this year. But after all is said and done, I'm pretty okay. And so are you.
And so we will be.

Happy 2017.

.h